Over three thousand children have stayed at our home. There are 10,000 stories we could tell you about them. As you can imagine, most of the stories are sad. Some of the stories are not suitable to detail on a website such as this. Many people have told us…”I couldn't do what you folks do…it must be so horrible to see and deal with children who have had such terrible things happen to them.” The truth is…it is horrible…it is difficult…it does leave scars on your mind and heart every day.
But we are driven by the knowledge that without our help …without our home, children who have had such terrible things done to them, who have suffered so much, would have fewer places to go and might not get the help they desperately need. We have taken it upon ourselves to stand up in this community and care for these children. We can't do it alone and over the last ten years we have had help from many. Every child who has stayed with us has been given the best care possible while they were here. We are heartened that many of our kids have left us healthier in mind and body and spirit than when they arrived…that is our goal…that is what keeps us going on those days when we find it hard to face a new day because we see yet another child who has suffered at the hands of those who should love them most. Here are several stories about children who have stayed with us. We call them “success stories” and they are…not necessarily because they have a “happy ending” but because these children endured and will have a chance to grow up into healthier and happier adults.
“ Suffer the little children to come unto me.”
She was tiny. I had never seen our staff give a child a bath in the kitchen sink before but the hour was late when she was brought in and she was very, very dirty. She also had a rash from her thighs to her belly button, extensive “cradle cap” on her head and, as we found out the next day during her doctors visit, some form of yeast infection. I stood in the doorway of our kitchen and remarked that I was not aware that we had a baby due to come in. Her big eyes fixed on me and I was taken back to hear her tiny but clear voice say…”I'm no baby!”
She was four years old and she weighed 18 pounds. She looked like one of the kids in Africa you see on TV. She was malnourished…a fancy name for starved. Her story was distressingly similar to many. Young single mom, no family, inadequate care, and taken into custody by the State Department of Human Services. What make this child's story different is that most of her neglect occurred after she was in care of the State…not before.
When the child was carried into Hope Haven, the social worker filling out the forms wrote that she was petite and shy….in fact she was starving and sick.
During the first month of her stay she remained on our living room couch as she did not have the energy or experience to know how to play. She did not speak very much. She did not smile. She did not seem to care about her surroundings. She had a hard time eating…she was not used to solid food and the different taste. But the medication, food and constant care started to take effect and after two months she began to leave the couch, play with toys and talking. After three months, she had gained over five pounds and was playing with the other kids, dancing, singing and her smile was always the biggest one in the room. After four months she could say her ABC's, spell and print her name, count to one hundred and melt the heart of anyone who came near her. After five months…just after Christmas, she left us to go to a licensed foster home with good foster parents. Thankfully, she did not suffer any long term developmental problems. She came to us in time. She will live, and grow and have a better life because she came to Hope Haven.
Teen troubles
We all know that dealing with teenagers can be “challenging.” We have been challenged out of our socks some days, but our staff knew how difficult it is to be a teen…especially “a teen in care.” We had three sisters placed with us several years ago. They were quiet when they first arrived, but within ten minutes of the social worker leaving, the staff was pulling them apart because they started yelling and hitting each other. We knew we were in for a bumpy ride.
Most of the time we received very little information about where the children we cared for came from or the circumstances that led them to be taken into care. But it quickly became evident that these three girls had come from a “home' where they had raised themselves. They had not attended school routinely for several years. They screamed at each other, fought with each other and the other kids, stole anything that they saw and wanted…including food from the kitchen, clothing from the other girls, the staff's possessions…it didn't make any difference to them! Their language was as vulgar as we have ever heard. They had zero concept of table manners - using their fingers to eat, wolfing down their food, licking their plates and taking the food from the plates of the other children. They had never been introduced to feminine grooming standards or personal care and they had not worn clean clothing or shoes for months. They were as close to the “wild child” syndrome as we had ever experienced. I remember taking them with other children to see a hockey game in Biloxi . On the way back, we stopped to get a snack at Micky D's. The individual orders came in a large bag and all of a sudden, we had a hair pulling, nail scratching fight erupt in our back seat. It turned out the three girls were fighting over who got the big bag. It was several days later that one of the staff explained that they fought over the bag because “who ever got the big bag got more fries because some of the fries from the individual orders always dropped out into the larger bag.” Survival at it's most basic.
But it was not their lack of grooming or “manners” that was the most challenging. When children are left without any adult guidance or moral signpost, they never learn to interact with others in an appropriate manner. They can't fit into society and be successful…they end up with no job skills, a warped sense of how to act…they take and don't know how to give…and then they pass along their lifestyle to their own children.
When our Assistant Shelter Manager, Valerie Edenfield, took them out shopping for new clothes they came “home' and tried on everything…putting on a fashion show in the living room for the other female staff members. They started to care about their appearance and some of the staff carefully introduced them to all the mysterious things (to men) that women do. But it takes more than a bath and clean clothes to change things.
It took all of us months to change how these three girls thought and how they lived their lives. It was not easy and it was not done overnight. But after several months, the profanity had stopped, they didn't hit each other or the other children, they attended school every day and they were amazed how much they liked it…although they were several grades behind. By the time they left, they had changed so much that their own mother would not have recognized them…they were well on their way to becoming the young ladies they deserved to be. They had good manners, they cared about each other, they learned to ask - not to take, they learned to share, and they did not feel the need to steal food or other items because they learned that their needs would be met tomorrow and the next day. They learned that there were other, better ways to live. We lost touch with them after they left…which is not unusual, but we know that they had learned all that we could teach them in the time they spent with us. We hope and pray that they are doing well.
